GamEater

Uwe Boll must be stopped!

For those of you who haven’t heard of Bloodrayne, it was a mediocre action game, with a hot, leather dressed lead, called Rayne. She was a half vampire who’s only purpose in life was to suck as much blood from Nazi throats as time would allow her. I didn’t particularly like the game, I found it very repetitive, but when I first heard they were doing a film based on it, I thought to myself: Hey this might work! I mean the story had some potential and mixed with some neat special effects it could have really been an exciting action flick. Unfortunately a certain Uwe Boll had other plans.

With an impressive cast of Hollywood stars, including living legends like Michael Madsen and Ben Kingsley and babes Kristana Loken and Michele Rodriguez, Bloodrayne got me pretty excited. That made the movie viewing all the more painful. Never had I seen a more boring, badly directed , badly acted, badly everything movie. The story was lame, it had nothing to do with the game, nothing what so ever, and it looked like it was shot by some amateurs playing directors. Much to my surprise the guy was a real live director, Uwe Boll, out to make all gamers dreams come true. After that I was convinced he’d crawled under a rock somewhere, repenting for his stupidity.

But no, not this “talented” film maker, he was hungry for more…I think he said to himself: man this was a bad film, I couldn’t possibly do worse, so why not go for a sequel. Boy was he wrong! Bloodrayne: Deliverance just came out, and to call it crap is like giving it an Oscar…yes it’s that bad. Don’t believe me? Let me just tell you this, it’s set in the wild west, and Rayne is fighting against vampire cowboys…need I say more? And it’s shot in the same poor manner as the first, which makes it look cheaper than any other movie I’ve seen. It’s out on DVD so buy if you need help throwing up.

So I said to myself: Ok, the guy is just incapable of making a decent movie, maybe it’s the game adaptation process, I’m sure he’ll abandon this ambition of being the guy who makes crapy movies based on video games and move on to bigger and better things. But noooo…not old Uwe. He wanted more!!!

After two Bloodrayne movies, an awful Alone in the Dark adaptation, Boll has finished shooting Postal ( I’m afraid to think what it’s going to be like) and In the name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. And for next year he’s got a big surprise in store for us, he’s bringing Far Cry to the big screen…Hey buddy, come on, it’s not funny anymore, if you mess this up you might start receiving  death threats and who knows what else. Far Cry was like a phenomenon, it revolutionized modern FPSs, you can’t just take something like that and turn it into shit just because you don’t know a thing about making a decent film.

Oh and that’s not all, he’s also received a green light for Bloodrayne 3, Alone in the Dark 2 and a Wii upcoming release adaptation of Zombie Massacre, in which the player’s main goal is to drop a nuclear bomb on a zombie infested city and get the hell out.

Uwe Boll has to be stopped, please people, stop giving him money, he’ll only turn it into crap, he’s done it before and now that he’s on a roll I doubt he’ll ever stop. I wish there was something we could do, like gathering signatures or something, anything to spare my eyes the horror…

September 29th, 2007 Posted by Spooky | News | 6 comments